March 27, 2018: Today it is done. Exactly one day after the two year anniversary of my husband's death. And, it ended in an unexpected way in the middle of page 112.
PAGE 112
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Redemption
And sometimes, redemption doesn't come in the form of another person, or in the love and security of a post-loss relationship.
We raced home and threw on our wetsuits. Our larger than life black lab licked our faces while we were kneeling waxing our boards together. We strapped them to the top of the still muddy (from the night before) Jeep and blasted loud country all the way to the beach. I always love to look back at her and see the perfect ray of sunlight frame her face in golden curls, like her unique angelic halo. Others were already there, so we paddled out strong and sat side by side. And then, it hit me... my euphoric revelation in my favorite place with my favorite person doing my favorite thing. This was it. This was my redemption.
For so long, I wanted my story to play out just like a modern day version of Ruth's. I mean that literally. I envisioned my Boaz finding me in my field/classroom and restoring my sense of worth and value like magic. I, in my infinite wisdom, made a story from the Old Testament a guideline, like a fill in the blank worksheet of my expected widow timeline, as faithfully promised by God. Insert name for Boaz of the first male that I thought God put in my path that expressed interest or genuine concern. But, why?
My entire life had been planned out and for the most part executed: high school, college, career, marriage, children.....and then...all of a sudden and with no warning, everything was turned upside down. I didn't have a husband or a co-parent, or for that much a confidante, a provider, a rock. This concrete sequential right brain Type A perfectionist needed a new plan or map, and what better place to look than the Bible, right? Please do not misinterpret what I am about to write. There is so much for the believer in the book of Ruth; its lessons are immensely powerful. However, it is not and was never meant to be used as a proclamation or a promise to all widows on what will follow post-loss. A Boaz was never a guarantee, just like a mother-in-law like Naomi wasn't either. Sometimes my wild spirit and imagination like to run free with expectation, and I'm just hard-headed enough to try to convince myself of Biblical justification for it too.
So, now that I established my faulty logic and rationale about what redemption had to be, I will get back to my own happily ever after ending. The sun was setting, so I signaled her to start going for it with me. No, we didn't both catch the wave and ride it in together with a theme song playing in the background. We actually both missed it and looked at each other laughing as it rolled under us. And, in that moment I knew we were okay with that. I was okay with life's unpredictability and uncertainty, even in this daunting journey. I no longer felt the need to force anything for the sake of healing: I let go. The real truth is that there might not ever be another man in our lives, and I am completely okay with that. I’m certainly not going to try to convince someone of our worth ever again. I was going to ride the waves, or attempt to, and retire my Biblical cookie cutter character molds. Ebb and flow my dear, ebb and flow: let what comes, come, and let what goes, go. My story isn't finished yet, and my promises from God were highly likely to be very different than most.
Self-actualization was enough; we were enough now, tomorrow and forever. We were being us, doing what we loved to do, where we wanted to be. My redemption came in the form of my realization of my contentment within. I was living life being me and loving myself for it: no redeemer required.
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